Fidelity In All Ways

When I was 19, just before graduating this life, my grandfather whispered 3 words into my ear. "Emily, be true." he said. Later, in my first marriage, those words echoed in my ears, and after my divorce I felt confused. "But I was true. I WAS." I didn't betray my spouse. I didn't go outside my marriage for companionship. There were so many things I felt that I did right, and so many things I wanted to blame my former spouse for. But eventually, as time softened the blows, and my own faults became clearer (time can do that)-- I see ways that I was not completely true. I don't think that infidelity always includes another individual or intimate betrayal. It can be a hobby we take to excess, or a pursuit that demands your time and attention, when you know your marriage relationship is lacking in time and attention. And it doesn't matter who "started" the neglectful behavior. It is problematic when we don't act in alignment with who we know our higher selves to be. We are responsible for our own actions.

“Fidelity to one’s marriage vows is absolutely essential for love, trust, and peace. Adultery is unequivocally condemned by the Lord” (“Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2).

I am remarried and when things get hard, I must fight the urge to retreat to private places. I fight the urge to hide, and cease connection. I want to scroll Facebook or Instagram, or I want to get obsessed with a new decorating project. Sometimes, I want to dive into a book or television series and escape the issues that need discussed or the attention I should focus on my spouse, nurturing our marriage. This doesn't logically make any sense, when we recognize something is amiss, but it is the urge I fight. A protection mechanism that if gone unchecked, could to the opposite of protecting. It isn't pornography, and it isn't a physical affair, but one might argue it can be incredibly destructive. These behaviors can take a piece of our heart, and withholding our hearts in any way, can be considered a form of betrayal. 

In Galations 6:7-8 it says, 

“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." 

When we sow disconnection in our marriages and families, we will reap more and greater disconnection. This I truly believe and have witnessed. 

In his book “Drawing Heaven Into Your marriage” Wallace Goddard lays out the steps that can lead to unfaithfulness in a marriage. According to Goddard, these steps are”

–Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)

–An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart

–Extramarital flirting.  Justification-“no harm intended”

–Relationship declared as “special”

–Opportunities created to see “special friend” (One worries what others will say/think)

–Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person

–Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”

–Faultfinding with spouse

–Fantasies about other person

–Physical affection– a squeeze, a kiss, a hug

–Sexual relations

As President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion." (Ensign, May 1991, 73). This is the definition of being true in a marriage for me. This is what it means to be faithful, and what I strive for everyday in my marriage.