Creating Shared Meaning

After 10 years of togetherness and investment, my 1st marriage ended abruptly. There were problems, and I certainly was not faultless, but the divorce wasn't something I chose. After 2 more years of being a single mom, I met my now husband. The idea of giving up my independence after sacrificing so much for a marriage that didn't work in the end, was something I could not, would not choose at the time. I knew that Nick was a good man. I knew he had a good heart and was good with children. But I just didn't want to have to share my space, my decisions, or my children with anyone. I'll admit that  I wanted to be selfish for a time. I wanted time for myself. I had been hurt, and I wasn't ready to open myself to being vulnerable again. It took 2 more years for me to come around the idea that in sharing those things, in giving up, I could actually bring more meaning to my life. In sharing my decisions, I could deepen my own growth.

Nick and I started to spend time together again, and within the year, I knew I was ready, and actually excited to invest in a relationship again. After marriage, there was definitely an adjustment period, and nearly 2 years later, we are still adjusting. We continue to create our unique family culture, that is different from anything either of us have experienced. It has been difficult work, but the fruits are really beginning to come about.

As Dr. John Gottman shared in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, when a couple comes together, they create a microculture. And while a couple doesn't need to agree on every aspect of life,  creating shared meaning in their marriages and in their families, makes for much less intense perpetual problems which are unlikely to lead to gridlock. Creating shared meaning can look different for each couple, but for Nick and I, it has meant connecting spiritually, and coming together and building an inner life that is "rich with symbols and rituals" as Gottman talks about. We first met online, but on the anniversary of the first day we met in person, we go to the park where we flew kites. We frequently revisit the restaurant we first ate ramen and we like to go through the early messages and texts we sent each other, and laugh about the miscommunications we experienced due to technology failings. We learned that face to face conversation is best for us, and we delight that we no longer have to communicate long distance. For the day we were married, I insisted a good portion of our budget be devoted to an experienced videographer. I wanted to be able to watch the moments of that sacred day, over and over, to appreciate all over again, our eternal commitment to each other and to the Lord. It has been one of our best decisions yet, as I have returned to that video to refill my cup, and vow to try again.

My trust in the deep commitment we both feel to our family and to our marriage, gives us both the strength and courage to be honest about our convictions and beliefs when it comes to what we want to create. Since we've been married we have worked together on our home, a fixer upper, and that has created an unexpected bond. As we come together with our choices, find areas to be more flexible, and blend our hopes and desires together, the greater confidence I have in our ability to make just about anything beautiful. There have been difficult moments, but I love the metaphor of building our home up, while we build our family. The patience and hard work it takes to fix up an old home, has been symbolic to me of rebuilding my trust with my self. I'm not 20 any longer on my first marriage. I'm 36, and was set in my ways like an old home. I'm learning to rearrange my walls and remove what isn't working to make room for what will. The progress has it's moments, but I'm grateful for the process.

References:

Goddard, H. Wallace, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage (2007)

Gottman, John M., “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” (2015)