Marriage Gems

In our culture of blogs, Facebook and Instagram, it can be easy to focus on all of the seemingly “perfect” marriages and families that we see through glossy screens. Family life can be beautiful. But every relationship has struggles and challenges to overcome and that is normal. However, when we focus on the difficulties before us, the marriage we wish we had, and the negative instead of building skills in positive interaction, things can go south quickly.

Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman (married) have done a lot of work in the field of marriage and family relationships. This week I was reading Dr. John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. I've read it before, but a few new things stood out to me this time around. I'm in a different place in my life. I am now remarried, and working through these principles this go round feels more intentional and productive.

Years ago, when I stumbled on Gottman's work, the thing that really got my attention is that he and his team are able to predict divorce after just 5 minutes talking with a couple with a 91% accuracy. This was fascinating to me and really got me thinking that divorce is not just about 1 person (or both) deciding to end a marriage. It really comes down to behaviors and mindsets that create damage to relationships that can be not only predicted, but also PREVENTED! This concept gives a lot of hope to couples struggling and I can't wait to share some of the things from the book with you that have already been really helpful to me in the few days I've been actively trying to practice these skills and knowledge.

Gottman shares in the first chapter that the happy couples secret weapon is rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship. (Gottman, 22) He says that doing so doesn't prevent couples from arguing, however it helps them to prevent quarrels from getting out of hand. He also says that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. This was a really great reminder as my husband and I have had some unique challenges lately and in thinking about it, I realize that I need to do more to strengthen our relationship. After 18 months of marriage, we are really in the thick of some curveballs life has thrown us, and I can see how strengthening our friendship could help support us in some difficult things.

Another one of the things Gottman shares are the 4 predictors of divorce. The first predictor was interesting to me. He talks about the “harsh startup.” A harsh start up is when a discussion or disagreement immediately becomes negative or accusatory. Starting out with criticism, sarcasm, and/or forms of contempt, a relationship is not going well.

Another incredibly insightful book with a gospel perspective is one of my favorites by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard (also known as Dr. Wally)-- It is called Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. This too is a book I've read before, and once again, I'm learning things every time I turn its pages. It goes really well in tandem with the Gottman work because it adds the spiritual perspective, which is just as (if not more so) important as the skills based learning talked about in the Seven Principles book. This week while reading the first chapter of Goddard's book, a few principles jumped out at me, that the Spirit is nudging me to look closer at. It is difficult for me to summarize quickly, but basically, Goddard talks a lot about getting your heart right when approaching family interactions. When our heart is in alignment with the gospel of Jesus Christ, and what He would have us do, it is a lot easier for us to act in ways that will draw relationships and families closer together. I know that for me, the entire first chapter brought the Spirit into my heart, and I literally felt a softening happen. Things I had said the previous day, that I suddenly wanted to apologize for, and make right-- the tone of voice earlier that afternoon... suddenly I was wanting to be more like Christ. Which of course, can only be good for my relationships. For, "Jesus is the model of charity." Goddard also used the parable of the Good Samaritan to teach that charity. 

I remember being in a restaurant a few years back. There was a couple arguing in the booth next to me. It started out much like how Gottman describes arguing in his book. When I read both of these books, I couldn't help but wonder where their relationship is now, and if they found the tools to help them move forward... I'm so grateful for all the help that is easily available to us now. I highly recommend checking out both of these books.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage. Virginia: Meridian Publishing.