Differences, Not Necessarily Deficiencies

Oh Friends,

It's been one of those weeks over here. Do you know what I mean? Life is piling up, and it's getting real. I'm sure you have been there. We all have. When it comes to relationships and stress, it can be tricky to find coping tools to deal with life's discomforts and pains, without taking it out on our most loved ones. Raise your hands if you are with me... Ok, I see you. Thanks for that.

Here is the thing: When we feel stressed, or insecure, or like we are failing at life, studies show that it's the people we know and love the most, whom we are most awful to in word and deed. It's true! (Look it up.)
So why is that? And how can we change that pattern, especially in our marriages? 

In preparation for writing this post (in search of answers to my own questions) I read the works of a an expert who absolutely nails some universal principles. I hope you'll stick with me, because they are already changing my marriage. 

In Dr. John Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  he talks about two kinds of marital conflict. "Every marriage is a union between two individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it's no wonder that even in very happy marriages the husband and wife must cope with a profusion of marital issues...we have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all out wars, really fall into one of two categories"

I'll pause right there. Are you curious the categories? Because this is big, and I think it is important to note right now that all marriages (even the really great ones) have "irreconcilable differences." These differences are where a majority of our conflict comes from.
An example of differences might include:

• In-Laws & Extended Family Involvement
• Balance Between Home & Work
• Communication Patterns
• Desire for Sexual Intimacy
• Personal Habits & Idiosyncrasies
• Sharing Household Responsibilities
• Outside Friendships
• Political Views
• Debt Difficulties
• Disciplining Children

Here is the important point: it’s inevitable to have differences. But it’s how we manage those differences that matters. And in managing, it's important to recognize the two categories, so here we go:

"Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be part of your lives forever, in some form or another."

So the two categories we can place all of our differences are 
Resolvable, or Perpetual. 
Once we are able to define which type of difference we are having with our partner, we can then decide which coping strategy will help us keep the glue tight in our relationships.

So let's first talk about the differences of a perpetual nature. These make up 69% of the marital conflicts we experience. So, we get a lot of practice in coping with these ;)  That might not be fun to hear, because we all had hopes of changing our partners (It's okay. We've all been there.) and to hear that these differences are not going to magically evaporate once we help our partners "see the light" and show them the correct way... well, it can be disheartening. But here is the thing: So many of us spend an inexorbitant amount of energy, time and relationship resources fighting these differences. What if that energy, time and resources was instead funneled to efforts in understanding our partners and talking through strategies to help all parties find peace with those differences? It would revolutionize how our culture approaches relationships, I believe. Differences are not necessarily deficiencies. Let’s embrace them, not try to eliminate them! (Or we will no doubt eliminate our mutual love and respect as well.)

As Gottman's website explains, "Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your life style needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again...instead of solving their perpetual problems, what seems to be important is whether or not a couple can establish a dialogue about them. If they cannot establish such a dialogue, the conflict becomes gridlocked, and gridlocked conflict eventually leads to emotional disengagement."

The second type of problem is the resolvable problem. These are typically situational, and does not reverberate into other areas of their lives. The disagreement does not symbolize any deeper conflicts or resentments. Couples in this type of situation can learn more effective ways of talking to each other about the issue and work toward finding a more suitable compromise that would support both parties.

An example of this kind of disagreement may be a woman's frustration over being the one to both make dinner and clean up afterward. If she can communicate her need for shared responsibility and her partner can empathize with this struggle, a more equitable schedule of cooking and clean up can be discussed and implemented. It is a solvable issue and not holding any deeper meanings in the problem.

The above was my own personal predicament. I realized that once I communicated my needs to my husband, he was more than willing to step up and do more in supporting me with homekeeping. He said he was simply unaware and that it was not on his radar. Since that discussion, he has done his share every evening to clean up the meal after I had prepared, or vice versa. Because I had made some assumptions, I worried there was something deeper going on. I was happy to learn it was a solvable issue, which makes the other, more permanent issues easier to accept, because I recognize he is making efforts!

In the past four days, this concept of perpetual and resolvable conflict has clarified some things in my own relationships. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

References:
Fulwiler, M. (2012, July 2). Re: Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems.  Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/

Gottman, John M, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” (2015)

Richardson, D.S. (2014). Everyday aggression takes many forms. SagePub, 23(3), 220-224.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721414530143