Eternal Marriage

This week I've been thinking about marriage, and more specifically, my own marriage experiences. I've referred to my failed marriage experiences before, and I want to be clear that while I didn't want to divorce my first husband, there were certainly ways I contributed to the failure of the relationship. After the dust had settled, I knew I needed to learn exactly how I contributed to that breakdown, and the things I was responsible for changing in my own patterns. This process of learning and owning my part was and is difficult, but incredibly vital to my personal health and the health of my marriage now. I'd like to share a few things I've been reading this week in this regard.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen in the quorum of the 70 of the LDS church taught there are societal attitudes of our generation that are particularly detrimental to marriages and families. The first two, are quite well known and most people have some awareness of the strain natural adversity and personal imperfections put on relationships. For example, the death of a child or an addiction that is not addressed brings damage to the relationship. However, the third strain on marriages Elder Hafen referred to is easily rationalized. The increased individualistic attitude perpetuated in society has eroded many marriages from the inside out. Hafen states,

“The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone. And despite admirable exceptions, children in America’s growing number of single-parent families are clearly more at risk than children in two-parent families. Further, the rates of divorce and births outside marriage are now so high that we may be witnessing 'the collapse of marriage.'” (Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26)

With “selfie culture” taking over social media sites like Facebook and Instagram, I can't help but notice the truths in Hafen's teaching. Elder David Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve in the LDS church shared, “The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.” (Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan, Ensign, June 2006)

Not only is life brought more meaning in belonging, but it is for our progress and exaltation. This quote came to mind several times this week as I witnessed various posts on social media that expounded on this individualistic view. It is easy to recognize the importance of belonging to ones self and making certain we take care of our personal relationship with ourselves. Sadly, I do see that some have felt shame, or have misunderstood that simply taking care of one's self is automatically equal to selfishness. This is also Satan's spin on the principle of self care. However, most often we see the pendulum swing to the opposite extreme, where self becomes the center of attention in one's life, and the teachings of Christ are lost in regard to loving others. This tragedy is eroding marriages from the inside out.

In my own marriage/divorce experience, there was definitely an element of selfishness on my own part. While I could rationalize the reasons why I went to that place, and the failings of my former husband. Some have told me that my desire to protect myself and turn inward were warranted. The truth of the matter is that perhaps my marriage would have ended anyway, had I been less focused on my own needs. However, if I had done more to recognize my husbands wounds and fears, it could not have hurt, and I would have been responsible for one less hit to the relationship. In my current marriage, I am doing everything I can to turn outward, and as President Spencer W. Kimball states, I am doing everything to “...love [my] family with a deeper love than [I] have loved before.” (Ezra Taft Benson, “What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple,” Tambuli, Apr 1986,)