Welcome

When N and I began dating seriously (after several months of casually seeing each other), I knew we had work to do if we were to have a shot at a healthy relationship. When we decided to marry, I felt almost overwhelmed at the preparation needed for the challenges ahead of us. We had met 3 years earlier and it took a lot for me to come around, because of my previous failed marriage and relationships. As President Dallin H. Oaks of the LDS church stated in April Conference of 2007, 

"The weakening of the concept that marriages are permanent and precious has far-reaching consequences." 

While I did not have a negative view of marriage necessarily, my faith that I could have a positive experience in one felt broken. My own parents had divorced when I was 16, and now my own children were suffering the same consequences. President Oaks' words never felt more true.

The Spirit spoke to me to try again. To try and reach out for help, read as much as I could, and push myself to grow. We immediately got into premarital counseling and it’s been worth every penny. 

Remarriage with children is not for the faint of heart. It is work and vulnerability and trying after failure. It takes humility and a willingness to keep trying through hard conversations and long days. Simply stated, any marriage is work. The institution of marriage brings the blessed labor of personal refinement.  In the thinking of Dr. David Schnarch, I believe that marriage, as imperfect as it can seem, is doing the job it was designed to do: expose our under-developed qualities and pressure us to become better people. It represents the process of purification. Often, the benefits and fruits of all the pressures are not seen immediately. In this “instant hungry” society, many who enter the marriage commitment do not value the investment it takes to grow a solid relationship. But I can bear witness that the efforts in nurturing marriage with the long game in mind, are well worth it. The work does not only make the relationship with a spouse better, but it makes our connection with God stronger, and grows us into more Christlike beings. These are the true fruits of marriage. I see my marriage as living and ever evolving. As we grow, so does our marriage. From the same talk referenced above, Oaks continues, "A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."

This very concept has become our marriage motto and we have promised to keep getting up each time we fall.

I learned a lot in my divorce, but I have much preferred the lessons that come with marriage. I've stated that my expectations about the time and energy it would take to create a strong family were realistic. But what has been most beneficial for our family has been the consistent choice to focus on our strengths and build upon those. How grateful I am to have couples like President Gordon B. and Marjorie Pay Hinckley to look to for examples. I am inspired by their optimism and willingness to serve each other. One principle I have gleaned from reading their words is that choosing to see the good in each other and in all circumstances has much better effects than focusing on the problems. Additionally, the research shows that trying to change our spouses is not only ineffective, but it is damaging! Yes, problems do need to be addressed and things should not be swept under the rug, but in the last 2 years, I have found increased strength and endurance in learning from marriages that work, and the studies that have been done on successful families. In writing this blog, I aim to share the teachings and principles that are helpful to me in my own marriage. I hope you’ll find value here.